I have a problem.  I’m lazy.

(Wait, didn’t you already publish this post? Yes, see above … I am lazy.  So lazy I recycle thoughts.)

But no, seriously. This is why I don’t exercise.  This is why, in the past, I have bought a new pack of underwear instead of washing the dirty ones (in my defense, this was also when I lived in apartment and had to go to the laundromat).  This is why I sometimes go at least a week without doing dishes.

(I am, apparently, also a slob.  But in my defense, I am a packrat and therefore have enough clothes to not wear the same thing for at least a month, despite the fact that I prefer wearing only about 2% of my closet.  I also have enough dishes that I can eat at least a week and a half worth of dinners and not run out of plates or silverware.  Plus, there’s always paper.  And also, I rinse all my dishes obsessively before I let them sit that long.  Because caked on  food = gross!)

ANYWAY! Me = lazy.  Yes, we’ve established that.  I am perfectly happy to enter a slothlike state and stayed curled up on my couch under my soft, fuzzy polyester blanket downing Diet Dr. Pepper (or in my pre-blood clot days, a whole bottle of wine. WHAT?) and watching TiVoed episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey and Rock of Love Bus (again .. WHAT?!).

And this is a problem because being lazy means I never follow through with anything.  Which is even more strange because someone I respected greatly told me a few weeks ago that he was more than sure I would get something done because I am a very determined person.  I took this as a compliment and still do though when I put it in writing it makes me second guess whether or not I was being complimented or insulted.  (Because he might have just been saying that I was a big enough bitch to get what I want so people could get me off their backs!)

Maybe lazy is a bad word.  Maybe overstimulated is better.  Because I am the first person to go out and get what I need done when I need it.  I am a sucker for instant gratification.

I just don’t have the time to do everything I want to do to the fullest extent.  As I said in the last post, I am also a perfectionist which means that unless I can do something absolutely correct, I am not interested in it.  Or I get so freaking stubborn about it that I vow to not let something that they pay people $.15 an hour to do defeat me (note: I’m talking about sewing or making clothes or shit like that and that is solely hyperbole). And then I don’t have the time to keep doing it over and over and I get frustrated and throw everything down in a huff and let it sit for weeks on end before returning to it only to start the vicious cycle over again.

I taught myself to knit in February.  And by that I mean, I can make a row of random knit and purl stitches, the standard stitches required to make a scarf.  Or a potholder.  I have yet to master anything advanced, like circular needles or increasing stitches or anything that requires more than one skein/color of yarn.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy it because I really do like it.  It’s just I kept getting so frustrated because I would get distracted and mess up the pattern so badly I’d have to pull stitches out and then I give up because it wasn’t perfect.  And by god, what was the point of doing it if it wasn’t perfect.  So I put it aside for awhile and will probably pick it up again, maybe.  I guess I need to get to a point where I know enough for it to be relaxing.

Then there’s the video games that I buy and never finish.  I’m talking big games like Oblivion that require months of playing time to small games like Guitar Hero, which I could most likely do in a weekend.  But again, I am not satisfied unless I beat them and technically, I need to beat them perfectly with all bases covered and all acheivements awarded.  Because otherwise, I might miss something important! LIKE LIFE CHANGING IMPORTANT!

And don’t get me started on the books I have to read.  Currently, there are twelve books in my office that I have yet to start.  TWELVE! And yet I keep buying them or checking them out of the library, whichever suits my fancy that week.  That means I can average one book a month and have something to read for a year.  Or TWO books a month and still be good for six months.  But if I sit down to read, I end up getting so engrossed, like I need to finish it right now this very moment because it is that awesome and then I feel worthless for not doing anything else that night.

Oh, and the TV.  Oh my goodness! I thought the Tivo would solve my problems because I could watch all of shows whenever I wanted.  But it has only served to deepen my anxiety over what I am missing.  I record anything that looks remotely interesting and then I get hooked on stupid shit and then feel the need to follow all the way through to the end because again, WHAT IF I MISS LIKE THE GREATEST SHOW EVER?!  I have been trying to be more aggressive with my show selection and I even deleted the last two episodes of Celebrity Apprentice (because I had already read on TVGasm who won and was mad that Jesse James didn’t make it into the final two solely because he didn’t feel like exploiting his marriage just for Trump’s stupid show and ratings) and the final episode of Top Model (because I tell myself I am over it and yet end up watching EVERY. SEASON. but was over this one halfway through).  But there is still random stuff that just piles up and I am afraid to delete it because I will watch it someday, anyday and I need to know what happen (and I do this knowing that the last season of Prison Break will eventually make it’s way to DVD).

Don’t forget the photography and the need to sort through and edit the five million pictures I take until their perfect.  The cross-stitching and the numerous times of starting over and ripping out stitches.  The lists I obsessively make of movies I want to see and when they are coming out and the new DVD releases that week.  The magazine reading and always playing catch up on my issues (I only have three subscriptions).  This website.

This even extends to my actual life.  My house doesn’t need to be perfect all of the time but when I do clean (about once a week or so), I do it hardcore.  I make lists to catalog all of the things that need to be taken care of right now.  I spend days and weeks picking out the perfect presents for people.  I am almost always down for anything that our friends want to do, particularly if there’s something new involved (unless extenuating circumstances keep us from it).  Even my grocery shopping is affected by the perfectionism, the need to buy only the things we will use for meals we will eat and get a great deal out of it.

All of this is almost a sport to me.  If I can check things off my list, I feel accomplished.  I get an adrenaline rush going to the grocery store and seeing what I can buy on the budget I set.  I walk around with a huge grin for a week if I can finish a hobby or a chore that I’ve set out to do.

But there’s also the opposite.  I feel guilty if things go undone for a certain length of time.  I can never sit and just enjoy sitting because I always have this nagging that I could be doing other productive things.  I feel like the books and the video games and Tivo are screaming at me to read me, watch me, play me.  I feel like if I don’t see the tourist attractions in my town, they are going to pack up and leave without me having ever seen them.

It takes a lot for me to step back, take a deep breath and just CHILL THE HELL OUT.

It is not the end of the world.  And many of you are probably thinking, so give it up! Give it all up and don’t worry about it!

But I enjoy it all.  I really, really do and if that makes me shallow and materialistic and vapid and any other word you want to throw at me, then so be it because overall, I know there are many other places in my life where I do valuable and intellectual things and am so overworked on those things that they are the exact reason I can enjoy the shallow and vapid parts of life.  And because of that I don’t want to give it up.

Besides, if I did, then I might miss out of the GREATEST (insert cool things here) EVER!

I just need a balance.  I need to figure out how to do all of the things I want to do, PERFECTLY, in the time that I have to do them.

I think the only feasible way to do that is to quit my job and find a sugar daddy.  And then I could be lazy and slothlike and be a professional hobbyist for the rest of my life.

I’d be totally lying if I said that would be the greatest thing ever because I would probably get bored and feel worthless because I’m not contributing to society or my own well being.

So for now I guess I’ll just settle with being overstimulated and lazy and live with the guilt trip that I’m just going to have to either be busy or miss out on some things.

Just make sure to inform me if you think some thing is the GREATEST EVER so I don’t miss out.

(And I think I’m ending this post here … Wordpress is already saying it’s 1735 words long and I can’t figure out how to end it on a witty note and that’s why I never became a writer like I wanted to.  Plus, I’ve got a book I want to start and a Daisy of Love episode that I need to fit in as well as some Facebooking and Twittering awaiting.  This is what you get when I start removing the filter people!!!!)