The past couple of weeks are hard to describe as they have literally been all over the place for me.  There’s have been some fairly decent highs and some really awful lows and for me to truly explain it, I’d have to get into a whole lot of personal stuff that I don’t feel like divulging publically nor do I think I have the strength or clarity of mind to talk about it all in a way that would make sense.

Needless to say, I’ve dealt with things in almost every aspect of my life this – work, family, relationship, health.

It’s kind of like the celebrity death thing.  One moment, everything is fine and the next thing you know, we’ve lost a sidekick, an angel, a king and a pitchman all in a week and you realize that in a moment’s time, everything can come crashing on you from four or five different places and the whole landscape of life can change.

Nobody died and it’s probably not the best example for me to compare my troubles to the deaths of people I’ve never met but it’s just one of those things, particularly with regards to Michael Jackson, where it’s so odd that things can just change in a matter of an afternoon and everything you thought the world was had changed just a tad because someone was no longer in it or someone wasn’t as accessible as they used to be or someone may not be here much longer.

As we get older, change is inevitable and I guess it’s only fitting that now is the time, not neccessarily for my life to change, though there are definitely some options that I need to explore because of things that have happened, but more in the lives of those around me.  People get older, they grow up and move on and begin their own lives outside of the protective nest that we had all previously shared.  And while I knew this and did it myself, I guess I just didn’t understand the other side until others around me started doing the same thing.  And there’s something about times like these that really make you feel like you have finally grown up, that you are no longer the child you still feel like and that everyone around you is different.  When others around you whom you previously depended on to deal with adult things come to you for help in dealing with things they never would have talked about in front of your childhood self, you really to start to feel your own mortality and that of the others around you.  And that is never a fun thing to deal with.

Unfortunately, I have a hard time managing and processing things effectively, especially when they all come down on me at once and that takes a toll on mine and Steve’s relationship.  Because here he is just trying to deal with normal life – work and hobbies and his responsibilities around the house.  And here I am trying to do the same all while dealing with ridiculous amounts of drama and that reduces me to a blubbering mess and he finally told me that the reason he gets so angry is that he doesn’t like to see others affecting me that way.  He has a point and every right to feel that way because I don’t like it either but sometimes, I just can’t make myself deal effectively with all of those emotions while somehow attempting to lead a normal life.

And sometimes I just shut down because I can’t handle it.

You know that bing.com commercial about search overload, where all the people are randomly spitting out search results based on words from their conversation with others or things they overhear?  But none of it is relevent to the actual situation they are in at the moment.  I feel like that everyday of my life.  I tell Steve everytime it comes on that it’s pretty much a visual representation of my brain.  Except it’s not “search” results based but more my mind hopping from everything I have to do and deal with and handle in my life, from small minute tasks like phone calls and bills and appointments to larger issues like my career and my family and long term plans.

Sometimes I’m on a roll and I feel like things are going ok.  The beginning of the month saw some curve balls thrown at me at work but I kind of rolled with it and turned it into something that I could utilize.  It basically translated into extra time and that extra time really helped me get things together to where by Friday afternoons, my house was clean, my bills were paid, weekend plans were made and my life felt like it was order.

A few weeks after that a couple of situations with my family arose and they all seemed to come one right after the other and immediately, my brain started firing warning noises and just flashing red lights at me and just commenced shut down process.

And now I feel like my world is back in chaos again and just picking up the pieces is exhausting.  I’ve been functionally playing the part – hanging out with friends, visiting family, talking on the phone, texting, getting through work – but mentally, I just don’t have the gumption to work at it 100%.  My house is a mess and I don’t care, a couple of bills need to be taken care of in a few days and I’ve been lackluster about getting those done, the dog desperately needs to have a vet and grooming appointment scheduled and I just haven’t done it.

Friday night I had wine for the first time in seven months and though it affected me way more than I expected, it was a welcome break.  (The next morning, I felt it though and I have a feeling that was my last hurrah, at least for a little while.  It’s just not fun anymore!)  That’s truthfully one of the only pieces of good news that came out of this month.  I am healed! I went for my followup about a week ago and not only did they find that the clots were gone, but they saw no arterial damage.  The change back to normal is still a process that I’m trying to deal with because part of me is still scared that they will come back but I have eliminated two of what they thought were the major causes (hormonal birth control and smoking) and am trying to work on the others (being more active and being careful about moving around when we travel).  I still have to take a low-dose aspirin but I am not on the blood thinners.  I wear the stockings when I travel (and I still wear them to work too, only because I’m at a desk all day) but I can wear shorts now and drink alcohol and eat broccoli and not have to get my blood drawn every few weeks.

Regardless, it’s just been a rough month emotionally and mentally for me and sometimes, you just feel like you’ve reached that breaking point and you have to step away from everyone, go into your own little cocoon and leave the world behind for a bit in order to process everything that is happening.

It sounds a bit selfish but it’s really the only way I can stay sane and not feel like my entire world is collapsing in on me.

July and August will hopefully be better and then it’s onto Fall and Winter, when at least the biggest reprieve will be a break from this godawful life-sucking heat and humidity that certainly doesn’t make anyone want to get out and enjoy life outside.

I’ll take cocooning anyday if it means ice cold drinks and air conditioning set to about 70 degrees!