Posts Tagged ‘life’

No Promises

April 18, 2010  |  Geeking Out, The Daily Grind

I know I have been awfully quiet as of late. I'm not even sure if anyone reads anymore. I never lost my desire to write, I just find it hard to let it all spew out when this site is so publicly known (not famous per se but known to friends and family in real life). Plus, as I get older and take on more normal grown up responsibilities, I find it so hard to carve out some time to write.

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Back in Effect, Sort Of

November 15, 2009  |  The Daily Grind

Holy crap on a cracker, there’s a blog here? Something I can write in every day if I’d like? Pffft, who knew? Apparently not me since it’s been close to a month and a half since my last update. I feel like this is confession …

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  It’s been <too many to count> days since I have blogged …

(Look at me trying to act like I’m Catholic.  The closest I come is that I was baptized.  I tried to ask Steve because he did all of that good Catholic child stuff up until high school and then he quit.  Which, apparently it’s like a job that you can just stop.  They even have a colloquial name for it … lapsed Catholic, which basically means you don’t give enough of a shit to care about the rituals and traditions anymore.)  But I digress, because I didn’t disappear for a month and a half to talk about religion.  I would just look like an idiot (and probably offend what little readers I have left) if I tried.

But no seriously, I know, I’m bad, I’m awful at this.  I just can’t force myself to give up on it.  Actually, these past few months, there has been more I wanted to write about than in the past few years.  My problem is that I’m such a damn perfectionist that I’m not good at snippets and I haven’t figured out how to let go of the ideal of a complete and concise blog entry, one that has a beginning, middle and end and tells a story and makes a point.  Or something like that.  So instead of trying, I just don’t do it and then it gets daunting when I do try it because there is JUST.SO.MUCH and I’m writing four or five pages worth of crap that makes no sense because it’s all thrown together and one long rambling mess of I did this and went here and tried this and etcetera and so on.

And the days, they just disappear.  I keep telling people the older I get, the faster time seems to go.  One minute its January and then I turn around and the holidays are staring me in the face.  I’m closer to thirty than I like, all my siblings and cousins are growing up, all my parents and and grandparents are getting older.  Time moves so fast that it’s hard to get a grasp on it.  Even these past few weeks, we’ve been making plans for the holidays and other stuff and it’s like oh, we have three weeks, no, wait, two weeks, holy shit, it’s just days away.

And of course, it flies when you’re having fun!

One thing has changed that has consumed a lot of my time these past few months: me.  In a sense that I stopped being so lazy and started making a point to give myself a routine that worked.  One that allowed me to be more organized and to effectively accomplish the tasks that needed to get done in a timely manner.  I don’t know how it started or what forced the change but basically, at some point a few weeks ago, I realized we had A LOT of things coming up this holiday season and I need to budget them into my finances as well as my time.

I made up cleaning lists, ones that allowed me to do one area of the house in about half-an-hour each day during the week (my weekly list) and ones that forced me to take care of daily chores that made the weekly ones easier (my daily list).

That change alone really revamped how I spent my time.  No longer would I come home and mindlessly veg out on the couch, playing pointless games on the laptop or watching TV (it could be argued that I never posted or did tasks during that time either and that’s correct because even when I was “vegging” out, I was so exhausted that I didn’t do anything on the computer that required me to think).  Instead, I started coming home, cooking (or finishing) dinner, doing my daily chores and whatever room that needed to be cleaned that evening, watching whatever shows came on that night, then bed.

Of course, this freed up time on the weekends and I spent that free time, plus whatever I had during the week, doing productive things, things that needed to be taken care of.  Paying bills, returning emails from family and friends, working on some business related stuff.  We also spent more time with friends and I didn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Because we’ve been trying to cut down on expenses here, I spend a lot of time “managing” the house to be more efficient financially.  Budgeting in events and meals so that we can buy only groceries that we need and will use.

I’ve just been more organized and more active and more productive and unfortunately, that means some of my hobbies have suffered more than ever.  But I’m working towards a balance and have been doing quite a few things in my Internet life on the back end.  So eventually, I think this is going to get me to a place where I can have life in order, both online and off!

Coming soon are the monthly love posts for September and October, because I am that behind!

Collapsing

The past couple of weeks are hard to describe as they have literally been all over the place for me.  There’s have been some fairly decent highs and some really awful lows and for me to truly explain it, I’d have to get into a whole lot of personal stuff that I don’t feel like divulging publically nor do I think I have the strength or clarity of mind to talk about it all in a way that would make sense.

Needless to say, I’ve dealt with things in almost every aspect of my life this – work, family, relationship, health.

It’s kind of like the celebrity death thing.  One moment, everything is fine and the next thing you know, we’ve lost a sidekick, an angel, a king and a pitchman all in a week and you realize that in a moment’s time, everything can come crashing on you from four or five different places and the whole landscape of life can change.

Nobody died and it’s probably not the best example for me to compare my troubles to the deaths of people I’ve never met but it’s just one of those things, particularly with regards to Michael Jackson, where it’s so odd that things can just change in a matter of an afternoon and everything you thought the world was had changed just a tad because someone was no longer in it or someone wasn’t as accessible as they used to be or someone may not be here much longer.

As we get older, change is inevitable and I guess it’s only fitting that now is the time, not neccessarily for my life to change, though there are definitely some options that I need to explore because of things that have happened, but more in the lives of those around me.  People get older, they grow up and move on and begin their own lives outside of the protective nest that we had all previously shared.  And while I knew this and did it myself, I guess I just didn’t understand the other side until others around me started doing the same thing.  And there’s something about times like these that really make you feel like you have finally grown up, that you are no longer the child you still feel like and that everyone around you is different.  When others around you whom you previously depended on to deal with adult things come to you for help in dealing with things they never would have talked about in front of your childhood self, you really to start to feel your own mortality and that of the others around you.  And that is never a fun thing to deal with.

Unfortunately, I have a hard time managing and processing things effectively, especially when they all come down on me at once and that takes a toll on mine and Steve’s relationship.  Because here he is just trying to deal with normal life – work and hobbies and his responsibilities around the house.  And here I am trying to do the same all while dealing with ridiculous amounts of drama and that reduces me to a blubbering mess and he finally told me that the reason he gets so angry is that he doesn’t like to see others affecting me that way.  He has a point and every right to feel that way because I don’t like it either but sometimes, I just can’t make myself deal effectively with all of those emotions while somehow attempting to lead a normal life.

And sometimes I just shut down because I can’t handle it.

You know that bing.com commercial about search overload, where all the people are randomly spitting out search results based on words from their conversation with others or things they overhear?  But none of it is relevent to the actual situation they are in at the moment.  I feel like that everyday of my life.  I tell Steve everytime it comes on that it’s pretty much a visual representation of my brain.  Except it’s not “search” results based but more my mind hopping from everything I have to do and deal with and handle in my life, from small minute tasks like phone calls and bills and appointments to larger issues like my career and my family and long term plans.

Sometimes I’m on a roll and I feel like things are going ok.  The beginning of the month saw some curve balls thrown at me at work but I kind of rolled with it and turned it into something that I could utilize.  It basically translated into extra time and that extra time really helped me get things together to where by Friday afternoons, my house was clean, my bills were paid, weekend plans were made and my life felt like it was order.

A few weeks after that a couple of situations with my family arose and they all seemed to come one right after the other and immediately, my brain started firing warning noises and just flashing red lights at me and just commenced shut down process.

And now I feel like my world is back in chaos again and just picking up the pieces is exhausting.  I’ve been functionally playing the part – hanging out with friends, visiting family, talking on the phone, texting, getting through work – but mentally, I just don’t have the gumption to work at it 100%.  My house is a mess and I don’t care, a couple of bills need to be taken care of in a few days and I’ve been lackluster about getting those done, the dog desperately needs to have a vet and grooming appointment scheduled and I just haven’t done it.

Friday night I had wine for the first time in seven months and though it affected me way more than I expected, it was a welcome break.  (The next morning, I felt it though and I have a feeling that was my last hurrah, at least for a little while.  It’s just not fun anymore!)  That’s truthfully one of the only pieces of good news that came out of this month.  I am healed! I went for my followup about a week ago and not only did they find that the clots were gone, but they saw no arterial damage.  The change back to normal is still a process that I’m trying to deal with because part of me is still scared that they will come back but I have eliminated two of what they thought were the major causes (hormonal birth control and smoking) and am trying to work on the others (being more active and being careful about moving around when we travel).  I still have to take a low-dose aspirin but I am not on the blood thinners.  I wear the stockings when I travel (and I still wear them to work too, only because I’m at a desk all day) but I can wear shorts now and drink alcohol and eat broccoli and not have to get my blood drawn every few weeks.

Regardless, it’s just been a rough month emotionally and mentally for me and sometimes, you just feel like you’ve reached that breaking point and you have to step away from everyone, go into your own little cocoon and leave the world behind for a bit in order to process everything that is happening.

It sounds a bit selfish but it’s really the only way I can stay sane and not feel like my entire world is collapsing in on me.

July and August will hopefully be better and then it’s onto Fall and Winter, when at least the biggest reprieve will be a break from this godawful life-sucking heat and humidity that certainly doesn’t make anyone want to get out and enjoy life outside.

I’ll take cocooning anyday if it means ice cold drinks and air conditioning set to about 70 degrees!

Compromises

Sometimes the hardest part about making a life with someone is syncing your schedules.

Steve and I have been living together for three years and even now, it’s difficult to work around each others wants and needs.

These past few weeks have been quiet.  There have been a few changes in my life that have given me more time but less pay.  Thus, I find myself with some half days during the week and less money in my pocket at the end of two weeks.

I’ve spent those days cleaning and running errands and doing stuff that would normally take up my weekends.  Stuff that would normally keep me from spending time with Steve or the dog or family or from doing nothing.  Just normal house stuff – laundry, cleaning, errands, phone calls, bills.  In all honesty, I’m loving it because by last Friday night, my house was spotless, my to-do list was virtually non-existent, and I could sit on the couch and surf the Internet all night guilt free.

The problem was I was exhausted.  My sleep schedule has been thrown off with my foot injury and allergy meds and thunderstorms that keep me awake until god awful hours of the morning (plus a dog who is terrified of thunder and insists on crawling in bed and snuggling with us everytime he hears a sound) so by Friday evening, all I wanted to do was plop on the couch, eat a good dinner, watch some TV and surf the Net.  And I would have been perfectly content to do that all weekend.  Mostly because I was trying to save money and also because the sheer effort of getting dressed and making myself looked human was utterly unappealing at the time.

Steve, on the other hand, wanted to go out.  Somewhere, anywhere.  He wanted to get dinner, then maybe hit up Best Buy then Wal-Mart to get some stuff.  And while I wanted to spend time with him, it would require makeup and brushing my hair and PANTS!  And I just don’t want to wear pants on most occasions (just you wait for my new header graphic – it speaks perfectly of me!).

But I put on my pants and brushed my hair and we went out to dinner.  No makeup since we were just going to get some cheesesteaks and I didn’t really care what I looked like at that point.  Then I think he compromised because afterwards he drove home instead of heading to Best Buy or WalMart.

There are times when Steve says the he wants to stay in and have a relaxing weekend and I jump for joy.  Because that means I can sleep late and hang around the house and just be lazy.  And generally he means it, until about 3pm on Saturday when he is so utterly bored that he turns into a five year old and whines because he’s so bored and he can’t find anything to do and let’s do something.  Which leads to me feeling either guilty because I feel like I need to suggest we do something and we need to spend time together or feeling resentful and angry because we have all of this expensive shit and he can’t entertain himself.

It’s just striking that balance that’s hard.  I think we did well with it this past weekend.  We went out for cheese steaks on Friday night then met some friends for dinner on Saturday evening.  And while that may not have been enough for him, it was enough for me.  It was fairly reasonable as far as money went and we both got a chance to get out of the house and not drive each other insane.  But we were able to relax enough to feel like we had not drove ourselves crazy overdoing things.

We have enough stuff coming up this summer that we really need to be able to enjoy the downtime.

In the meantime, we are making plans and trying to strike a balance there.  We’ve got some trips in the works, some trips that are specifically for us to enjoy and some that allow us to visit with people who we haven’t seen in awhile.  We’ve got some movies to look forward to and some dinners and small events with friends.  We’ve got an enjoyable summer ahead of us.

And now we just have to work out an amicable schedule between the two of us.  Because I want to sleep until 10am darn it!  And somebody in this house like to wake up at 7am, even on Saturdays!

Balance

I didn’t set out to post every day this month, it’s just kind of happened like that so far. And it’s actually a bit easier to keep up with me because I’m not forcing myself to do it. If I don’t, so what, there’s another month.

But it’s nice to at least be writing again on a somewhat regular basis.  Even if my life is a bit mundane and boring.  How do people find stuff to write about everyday?

Because what I did today is basically what I told you I was going to do yesterday.  I slept until about 10am or so, got up and took care of a few household duties, spent a leisurely amount of time getting ready, then went to see The Watchmen.  After that, it was dinner at Sticky Fingers then dessert at Cold Stone Creamery, where I tried some of their rather delicious, but insanely rich, marshmallow ice cream, which pretty much had the taste and consistency of frozen fluff.

So overall, we did the same thing tonight that we did yesterday night with the exception of the movie.  And the fact that between the popcorn, dinner and the ice cream, I feel like I ate my way through the afternoon and evening.

I haven’t been able to focus much lately because I’ve been a bit exhausted.  Adapting to the new schedule is tiresome and the Daylight Savings Time rollover tonight probably isn’t going to help much.  I am just all about being lazy these days and truthfully, would’ve like to stay in bed until noon today.  Unfortunately, I was wide awake around 10am and had we not had plans, I would’ve been super-motivated to actually get shit done.

I love going out and having friends and a social life but some days, knowing that I have to stop what I’m doing to get ready to go out and then go out makes me so unmotivated to actually start a task or household chores, mainly because I don’t like leaving things unfinished.

So my house is a wreck, we are in desperate need of a major grocery run, I’ve got phone calls and appointments and plans that need to be made and all I want to do tomorrow is lay in bed with the windows open and the breeze blowing in, surfing the Net, watching crap TV and reading.  What will probably happen is that I’ll be wide awake, will sit in the living room doing the same thing for the better part of the day until it’s time to get ready to go to trivia.  I’ll have thought about everything that needed to be done but never actually started.

Last time I checked, thinking didn’t stock the cabinets.

One of these days I’ll work out some sort of balance where there’s no guilt about my messy house awaiting me while I’m out eating delicious food and having some laughs with friends.

I’ll just have to teach the maid to be as meticulous as I am.

For now, I’m just going to go cuddle up with my puppy dawg, who has been at home by himself for the past seven hours patiently waiting by the window for us and is now snuggled onto my chest and begging for attention.  Babies may make my ovaries dance, but my Sammy just makes my heart melt!